Switched
by latelydreaming
Summary: In a rare display of foresight, Naruto decides to copy down a few extra jutsu after stealing the Forbidden Scroll the night he becomes a genin. The next day, he convinces his team perform one of the jutsu while they wait for their sensei to show up. The results are... interesting.


_**Switched**_

_latelydreaming_

**Author's Note: **I'm unsure of whether or not to continue this. Yea/nay-saying reviews would be appreciated. Also, this is my first attempt at the "Humor" genre, so I'd love feedback on that. Or just, you know, regular reviews…

**Disclaimer: **Insert standard disclaimer here.

The only reason Hatake Kakashi was not repeatedly slamming his head into a wall at the moment was because he had the rather ominous feeling he would be needing every brain cell available to him to keep himself from going insane over the next year or two.

He was going to be a jounin-sensei. For real this time. No getting out of it, no going back, no do-overs. He was stuck with a team. Worse than that, he was stuck with what was (according to the academy profiles) the most dysfunctional, traumatized, and useless team in the history of dysfunctional, traumatized, and useless teams. Worse than _that_, this team was personal. As in, relevant to _his_ person and _his_ (near nonexistent) life outside of being a shinobi of Konoha. And the pièce de résistance: it was going to be Team Minato all over again, only without the Minato or that slightly crucial "Team" part.

Team Seven was going to be a lesson in patience, failure, and ineptitude with a generous helping of déjà vu on the side; they would probably die on their first C-rank mission, and he would probably let them just so he wouldn't have to deal with them anymore. And then the Kyuubi would escape, an S-rank nukenin might decide he a) cared or b) wanted to kill his little brother himself and would take revenge, and he'd have nagging civilians hounding him day in and day out for getting their daughter killed. Obito, Sensei, Kushina, and maybe Rin would start haunting him (in reality, not his imagination this time), and his late students' spirits would soon join them. Oh, and the Hokage would probably have him executed. And he could tell all of that just by reading their profiles! He hadn't even _met_ them yet! So no, Kakashi was very deliberately _not_ hitting his head against a wall at the moment.

He was getting drunk. Maybe if he consumed enough alcohol, he'd catch some liver disease and die before he had to go meet them. At the very least, he could drink until he passed out or was too blind to see straight enough to make it to the academy. He could just hide out here until they gave up on waiting for him and realized they didn't actually want to be ninja. No one would mind if he didn't show up, right? Right?

Unfortunately, Kakashi discovered four hours later (but still long before he felt anywhere near drunk or prepared enough to be going anywhere) as a teacher–_Iroha?_ he thought, _Wait, no, that was too feminine. Maybe Iruka?_–dragged him down the street toward the academy yelling all the while about responsibility and setting an example, someone _would_ and _did_ mind. How was a chuunin _that_ strong anyway? Or was Kakashi more drunk than he'd thought?

He wasn't all that sure, but before he could come up with a way to test his sobriety, the teacher was tossing him down a hallway shouting, "And _next_ time I have to spend _three hours_ searching for you, there will be _hell_ to pay, Hatake!" Kakashi crashed into the floor and rolled a few times before tumbling to a stop right in front of a shut door as the chuunin stormed off.

"Ow," Kakashi muttered, rubbing at the back of his newly-injured head. He glanced toward the door hopelessly, then grimaced and stood, figuring he might as well get it over with. Very, very slowly he reached for the doorknob–_Maybe someone would invade. Or a spy from Kumo would show up and offer to let him defect. Or he would suffer a spontaneous heart attack. Or…._–but eventually the handle turned and the door swung open to show a classroom occupied by three angry preteens. Only… they weren't angry at _him_. Huh. That was new.

The first one he noticed was the blond boy–_Sensei's son_, his mind supplied–who was swinging a chair around wildly, trying to hit the Uchiha, and shrieking, "This is all your fault, you idiot!"

The brunet was–in a show of far more emotion than he'd ever seen in any Uchiha besides Obito–cowering pathetically behind the teacher's desk, dodging back and forth, and desperately shouting back, "Sorry; I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! I can fix it! I promise I can! Just don't kill me; _please_ don't kill me!" Wow. Kakashi had known the boys hated each other, but….

The pink haired girl was the only quiet one of the lot, but even she was sending a death-glare the Uchiha's way. What exactly had the kid done? What on earth needed to be fixed _that_ badly?

He cleared his throat awkwardly in an attempt to diffuse the situation and immediately all three heads swiveled in his direction in one coordinated movement. Creepy. "Meet me on the roof," he ordered and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

As soon as Kakashi's feet touched the floor of the rooftop, he was hit by a wave of vertigo and promptly fell backwards. Blearily, he gazed at the sky, making a mental note not to shunshin while inebriated and feeling extremely grateful that the brats didn't see that. By the time they'd joined him, he was leaning nonchalantly against the railing watching them scowl at each other. He was right. This was a disaster of a team. Everything they'd done so far was the complete opposite of teamwork. And he had the sinking feeling that it was only going to get worse.

"All right," he began, "My first impression of you three is…. Well, I don't like you. But since I'm such a nice guy, I'm going to give you all a second chance. So why don't you introduce yourselves?" Because of the profiles, he already had a general idea of what each of them would say, but he thought it would be good for them to get to know each other too. Maybe they would act like civilized shinobi afterwards and save the violence for enemies. Then again, that was probably asking too much.

"Why don't you go first?" the brunet asked curiously.

"Yeah, you look kinda suspicious," the blond concurred, eyeing Kakashi warily.

The girl merely glared.

"Me?" Kakashi replied in a bored tone, "My name's Hatake Kakashi. I have no desire to tell you my likes or dislikes. Dreams for the future? Hmm…. I'll have to think about that. And I have a lot of hobbies."

The boys glanced at each other; frustrated, the blond asked, "So all we learned was his name?" and the brunet nodded in annoyed agreement. The girl glared. Well, at least they were united in their dislike. And not throwing chairs at each other.

Deciding to start on a high note, he nodded towards his Sensei's son–purportedly a boy of the "cheerful idiot" variety–and asked, "So why don't we start from the right?"

The blond smiled bashfully and began, "My name is…" he hesitated, "Uzumaki Naruto. The things I like…. Well, the _person_ I like is…." He glanced at the Uchiha and blushed brightly. Kakashi froze. _He couldn't be…._ "I dislike Naruto!" he declared emphatically; Kakashi did a double take. _He…. Huh? He's…. Oh! He's talking about the fishcake! _"Uh, I mean myself!" the boy clarified. Kakashi wasn't quite sure how to react to that other than a baffled _Whaaaa?_ Still staring at the Uchiha, the blond continued, "My hobbies are…." He started giggling, "And my dream is…." the boy trailed off, miraculously turning an even deeper shade of red, before ending his introduction with an ear-splitting squeal. Kakashi winced and decided to contemplate on that particular mess later when he was alone and _not_ dealing with this trio of hellions.

Sighing, he turned to the other two. Who to pick? The last Uchiha or the glaring pink-haired girl? The girl should be fairly normal, right? Even if she _was_ in a bad mood because it was _that_ time of the month or something, she shouldn't have any major issues. She was civilian-born and both her parents were still alive, unlike the boys'…. Yeah, she was a safe bet. "Your turn," he instructed.

She glared (he was beginning to suspect she didn't know how to do anything else) and answered flatly, "My name is Haruno Sakura. I like very little and dislike very much. I have no hobbies, but I have a dream; no, an ambition: to revive my clan and kill a certain man." She smiled a bit at that, and Kakashi resisted the urge to bury his face in his hands. Of course. Even the normal one was highly disturbed. Of _course_. And next came the little avenger, the poster boy for mental instability, the most likely of the three to be completely freaking insane. Lovely.

"You. Just… go," Kakashi said, waving at the brunet.

"Right!" the Uchiha stated cheerfully, "My name is Uzu–" the girl elbowed him harshly and the blond glowered. "Ow!" he complained, "What was that for?!"

The girl glared. "Don't be an idiot, _Sasuke_."

"Huh?" the boy replied in befuddlement. The girl leaned over and whispered in his ear and his eyes widened. "Oh! Oh, yeah!" he exclaimed, "Sorry!" He grinned sheepishly and started over. "My name is _Uchiha Sasuke_!" (The girl and the blond both rolled their eyes.) "I like ramen and Sakura-chan!" (Oddly enough, the blond boy took this moment to gain hearts in his eyes and happily squeal, "Sasuke-kun!") "I dislike waiting three minutes for my ramen to be ready! And those arrogant bastards who think they're all that just 'cause they come from some schmancy clan." He scowled at the girl. "My hobby is pranking people! And I'm gonna be Hokage one day! Believe it!" The Uchiha beamed at Kakashi as he finished.

Well. That hadn't… been as bad as he had thought it would be. Still…. Something was off about that boy. Scratch that. Something was off about all of them. Sensei's son was overly effeminate, apparently gay, and stalking his brunet teammate where he was supposed to be optimistic, idiotic, and crushing on the girl on the team. The girl was hateful and murderous where she was supposed to be average and devoted to the Uchiha. The Uchiha was friendly and open where he was supposed to be closed off and vengeance-obsessed. _None_ of them were making any sense, and unless they were all playing some grand prank on him, he couldn't…. Wait. _Prank_. Naruto. Village _prank_ster. Duh.

"Very funny, kids. Really. Great joke. You especially, Naruto. That was very creative. You got me. Now let's hear your _real_ introductions." The three looked at him blankly.

"Real?" the girl asked in confusion.

The blond cocked his head to the side. "What are you talking about, sensei?"

"Yeah, those were our real introductions." the brunet agreed.

He stared.

They stared back.

He kept staring.

They kept staring back.

He… gave up. He didn't want to deal with this. It was so much worse than he thought. He needed to be on a mission or at the memorial stone or back in his apartment or… anyplace that was not _here_, anyplace that was part of his normal, non brat infested life.

"Whatever. Meet me tomorrow at five a.m. in Training Ground Seven," he announced in exasperation, rubbing his temples, "You'll be taking a test to see whether you deserve to keep your genin rank. Come prepared to fail." He left with a muttered, "I'm gonna go get drunk now."

He was going to need it for the headache these three were turning out to be.


End file.
